Yes I know
by Hybrid Fantasy
Summary: Yes. I know. I am everything I wasn't supposed to be. Yes. I know. I know this is my end. I'm just not ready to face it yet... 1 comment-1 cookie


**My last words...**

**All I see is darkness. Nothing more, nothing less. **

**Drops of rain fall from the sky hitting shamefully the ruined earth. **

**Dust covers us all. From dust we rise, to dust we return. Funny, isn't it?**

**An odd smell, probably blood, covers my whole unmoving body with a controlling roughness and intoxicating isolation. **

**Yes. **

**I know.**

**I am alone. **

**Alone here to face what was predestined for me to face. Finally, after all this time, I get what I don't want to think of, because I know that I am guilty. **

**Yes. **

**I know.**

**I know what I've done. **

**I know what I haven't done. **

**I know now where I made horrible, imminent mistakes and where I did nothing at all to hind this cycle of destruction that has caused so many people a shattered home, losses of dear ones, crushed dreams and futures. **

**Worst of all, I know I crushed their dreams.**

**I know my power. I know the fury and the rage that runs trough my veins. I know my limits, even if I always push myself farther and farther away. **

**But I didn't know that by gaining this, this unspeakable supremacy not only over the others surrounding me, but also myself, I lost the only human fiber I had left. **

**I lost each and every thread that, together sewed formed the few human features that had remained in my body after all that time, long ago.**

**Yes. **

**I know. **

**I lost it all. **

**I lost the battle against the devil, against myself. **

**I lost my family and I lost my friends. **

**I lost humanity. **

**I lost my chance for change. **

**I lost it all by my own two hands. I lost it all **_**knowing**_**. I lost it all knowing what I was doing and I didn't do anything to stop it. I didn't **_**want**_** to stop it. I couldn't stop it. **

**That feeling… when destroying, when torturing, when betraying, when killing…. **

**That feeling was overwhelming. That feeling made me alive. **

**Sadistic as it may sound, that feeling was what kept me alive and kept me going on.**

**Power. **

**I had searched for it all of my life. **

**And now I regret what I've done. **

**Because of power… because of its manipulating force I am where I am now. **

**Alone. **

**On damp earth. **

**Dying. **

**Yes. **

**I know. **

**I am a killer. **

**I killed without blinking. **

**I kill in the morning, evening, night. **

**I killed as an everyday event. **

**I killed men, women, children. **

**I killed children. **

**I killed my master. The one who taught me most of my skills. **

**I killed runagates. **

**I killed killers. **

**I killed friends. **

**I killed my brother. **

**My brother. **

**Innocent. **

**I killed my innocent brother. **

**Yes. **

**I know. **

**I am pathetic. **

**I am a murderer. An outcast, a prisoner in my own mortal cage, a puppet with no strings, a sky with no emotion. I am a letter with no words, a forgiveness with no sorrow, a smile with no happiness, a song with no melody. **

**I am me. **

**The antihero. **

**I am the Axis Mundi to eternal sorrow. **

**I am the path of no return. **

**I am sorry. **

**For everything I have done, for everything I didn't do. **

**They were right, all this time. I would have been better off dead from the beginning than suffering in my hand-made loneliness and hatred for these past years. I would have been better off dead, lying in my grave than witnessing this war me, myself and I created. **

**They should have killed me with no hesitation. **

**They shouldn't have waited this long, things were bound to get out of hand, just as they did now. **

**They truly were uncertain, something that had cost them a future. They weren't fast enough. **

**They asked me 'How low are you going to lower yourself?'**

**This low. **

**They asked me 'Do you regret anything?' **

**Everything. **

**They asked me 'Would you turn back time.'**

**Yes. **

**I would. **

**If only I could. **

**Yes.**

**I know. **

**Yes, I regret it all. **

**I regret my choices, the path I have selected. I regret the things I've done to get higher; I regret the chances I've been given while my arrogance only pushed them away. **

**But I don't regret dying. **

**Not a single bit. **

**This is the best thing happening to me after all those familiar years when I had place I could to call home, when I had my mother's warm arms around my fragile stature, when I had my father's severe attitude educate me, when I had my brother's presence besides mine, when I had K. teaching me to be a better person, when I had S.'s sweet smile welcome me every morning to a new beginning, when I had N.'s friendship. **

**Yes. **

**I know. **

**I had it all.  
**

**Had. Not have. **

**Yes. **

**I know. **

**I know I lost it all. **

**But there's nothing I can, no, not anymore. **

**The best thing I can is to free myself from this regret that has sunk deep inside of me. All I can do now is confess. I can say 'thank you'. And I can say 'I'm sorry'. I will do this; I will try to humanize myself before I die. **

**Because I want to die as a man. **

**Not a monster. **

**Thank you, Mother. **

**For supporting me, for sharing that loving embrace with me, for allowing me to play with your hair, for letting me stay up late each Saturday night, for making me tomato soup twice a week, for telling me those childish stories before bedtime, for kissing me on the cheek each time I acted like that sweet kid both you and me though I was. **

**Thank you Mother, for holding me when I most needed you. **

**Thank you, Father. **

**For teaching me those easy yet efficient techniques, for assuring me you would always be there for me, for taking my side whenever Mother though **_**I**_** was the one who spilled that glass of milk over her newly cleaned carpet, for holding back those smiles when I stumbled down and fell, you knew better than anyone that I didn't want close affection, even if I urged sometimes for it, thank you for teaching me to remain calm when all I wanted to do was to jump up and down, happiness overwhelming me. **

**Thank you, Father, for making me a man. **

**Thank you, Brother, I. **

**Thank you for carrying me back from the training grounds each time I stumbled down from exhaustion, for teaching me everything you knew, for protecting me from the cruel reality, for making me hate you, despise you, want to destroy you, thank you for letting me hold your hand, for according me all of your desired attention, for making me push myself harder, for stopping me from making a mistake, for imprinting your eyes in mine. **

**Thank you, Brother, for calling me your 'foolish little brother'. **

**Thank you, K. **

**Thank you for smiling each time I evolved, thank you for making me stronger, for teaching me those difficult yet satisfying skills, for paying the bill when we ate ramen in town, for giving me priceless advice when you saw I was down but I never told a soul, thank you for putting your hand protectively on my shoulder each time I felt that giving up was my only option, for giving me man to man advice, for stopping me each time I though about doing something far beyond brainless. **

**Thank you, K, for taking my father's place when he was gone. **

**Thank you, S. **

**Thank you for taking my hand in yours after all those foolish protests from my side, thank you for holding your tears back each time I disappointed you, for smiling sweetly each time you saw me, thank you for not turning your back on me, for protecting me and for holding me, thank you for saving me, thank you for letting go, for coming back, for letting go again, and for coming back once more, thank you for helping me count the stars, for watching the white clouds together, for making me breakfast and for peeling me apples when I was at the hospital, thank you for bringing me white daisies. **

**Thank you, S, for loving me in a way nobody has ever loved. Thank you. **

**Thank you, N. **

**Thank you for annoying me with your never dying friendship, for making me compete for every possible and insignificant thing, for making me stronger, for transforming me from a quitter to a fighter, thank you for becoming my brother, thank you for always being there for me, for not giving up on me even if everything was lost, for making me soar like a bird, for teaching me how to live a better life, for joking each time my presence bothered you, for sustaining that bittersweet bond between us, thank you for taking the time for knowing not only me but my loss as well, for understanding me, thank you for laughing each time you had nothing better to do. **

**Thank you, N, for bringing back the humanity in me. **

**Yes. **

**I know. **

**I know I'm sorry. **

**I'm sorry, Mother. **

**I'm sorry for not listening to you enough, for making you feel disappointed in me, for being a stupid, immature kid with big dreams, I'm sorry for turning my back on you, for raising my voice, for not taking my shoes off when coming back from school, for breaking your favorite vase, for making you feel ashamed, for lying to you, for pushing you away. **

**I'm sorry, Mother, for not trying to keep your arms around my shoulders long enough. **

**I'm sorry, Father. **

**I'm sorry for making you choose between me and my brother, for avoiding your advice, for not giving enough of devotement when I knew you would have wanted my extra-help, I'm sorry for disappointing you in not being strong or brave, I'm sorry for ignoring your presence, for my lack of concentration, I'm sorry for the envy that took control of me each time you respected my brother and not me, I'm sorry for not being worthy of your respect. **

**I'm sorry, Father, for not being my brother. **

**I'm sorry, Brother. **

**I'm sorry for annoying the hell out of you, for not caring about you enough to let you finish your homework, I'm sorry for being selfish and wanting to have you all to myself, I'm sorry for hating you too much or for not hating you not enough, I'm sorry for being weak, for being a burden to you, I'm sorry for disappointing you each time you wanted to see me rise, I'm sorry for trying to get Mom and Dad to pay attention to me when you were the one who truly deserved it, I'm sorry for dishonoring you, I'm sorry for letting you down. **

**I'm sorry, Brother, for giving your precious life in exchange for mine. **

**I'm sorry, K. **

**I'm sorry for being a stupid and unclassified student, for not being obedient enough, for not thanking you when I should have, for not appreciating what you have done for me, for not congratulating you, I'm sorry for insulting you, for to trying to dispose of you, for being nothing more than just a novice compared to you, I'm sorry for not rising up to your expectations, for choosing a different path, for turning my back on you, I'm sorry for that fight. **

**I'm sorry, K, for not following in your footsteps. **

**I'm sorry, S. **

**I'm sorry for ignoring you each time you were there for me, for not smiling back at you, for not taking you by the hand and showing you my universe, I'm sorry for calling you annoying each time you melted a part of me, I'm sorry for calling you weak when you seemed to be the strongest of us all, I'm sorry for forcing you to shoulder this blame all on your own, I'm sorry for destroying your happiness, for taking that beautiful smile off your face, I'm sorry for leaving you all alone, for pushing you away, for screaming and pouting like a kid when your presence was the best thing I had experienced but I didn't want to admit it, I'm sorry for not bringing you white flowers, I'm sorry for deceiving you. **

**I'm sorry, S, for not showing love back. **

**I'm sorry, N. **

**I'm sorry for not trusting you, for not soaring together with you on that blue sky, for making you stumble down, for not standing up for you when you most needed me, for not taking notice of your undying spirit, for trying to kill you, for not admitting your force, I'm sorry for not being your brother, I'm sorry for not being your friend or foe, I'm sorry for calling you unworthy when you are the most capable person I have ever had the chance in meeting, I'm sorry for destroying your happiness, for burning down your dreams to the ground. **

**I'm sorry, N, for not fighting together with you one last time. **

**Yes. **

**I know. **

**I am a sinner. **

**But there's nothing I can do anymore. What's done is done. I have no power whatsoever to undo it; I have no power at all, not anymore. **

**It's better this way. **

**It's better to die this way. To die alone, at the edge of the world. **

**No love, no glory. **

**Alone. **

**Hope is gone. **

**Alone. **

**I die. **

**Alone.**

**Just as I am supposed to die.**

**But I hear a voice. **

**No. **

**I hear a voice.**

**But… wait…**

**Not just one. **

**I hear N.'s sore voice. Sorrowful. **

**I hear S.'s tearful cry****. Heartbreaking. **

**I hear K.'s hurtful whisper. Depressing. **

**Yes. **

**I know. **

**I am not alone. **

**Not anymore. **

**I know they are watching down over me. I can feel their pain, their sorrow, I can feel the smell of their own blood, I can sense the tears threatening to fall from their broken eyes. **

**Why? **

**Why are they feeling like this? Why are they still here, with me? Why aren't they somewhere as far away from me as possible? Why do I feel like I'm going to cry like I never cried before? **

**Feelings. They make you weak. They make you human. **

**Feelings. **

**Yes. **

**Feelings. **

**I know, feelings seem to be the only human thing characterizing me after all. **

**I don't care anymore. **

**I can be weak, if I am not weak already. **

**I can cry. **

**I will cry. **

**I want to cry. **

**Tears roll over my face, as my eyes remain closed. **

**I know they can feel my sorrow just as well as I can feel theirs. **

**This is where it all ends, it seems. **

**I know this was going to happen, but why so soon? **

**I still have so many things to reveal. I want to tell them what I've been keeping inside of me for so long, hidden behind my murderous blood-stained mask. **

**K. Take care of them. Remember me. I'll take your name to immortality. **

**S. I always loved you… in my own way. **

**N. Surpass your father. Bring peace. Fly forever. You're already a legend. **

**I don't open my eyes. **

**Yes. **

**I know. **

**I know they've heard me. **

**They've heard me perfectly clear. **

**I'd die to open my eyes right now. To watch them for this last time. **

**But, I don't. **

**Yes. **

**I know. **

**I'm blind now. **

**I'd open my eyes and see nothing. Only darkness. **

**Darker than my soul. ****I wouldn't be able to see them. **

**What good is there to have eyes when you can't use them to watch your dearest ones for the last time? **

**I made it happen this way. **

**Yes. **

**I know. **

**It is my fault. I regret it all. From the moment I pushed them aside to this. The moment I don't get to say a decent goodbye. **

**But they seem to understand. **

**I understand, too. **

**They were always by my side. They always cared about me. **

**They loved me. As much as I loved them. **

**Isn't it ironic? **

**I tarred them apart. Everything they had, we had, and I had broken it. **

**No grief at the time, indeed. But now, it's build up inside me. I'm weighed down by this regret, sorrow, pain. **

**I don't want a tragedy. **

**I don't want a miracle. **

**I don't want immortality, not any more. **

**I don't want perfection, neither do I need it. **

**Friendship. I'll take it with me wherever I go. **

**I'll take the best thing that's ever happened to me together with me wherever I am bound to go. **

**These bonds. **

**Are alive. These bonds won't leave me again. No. Not this time. **

**A promise of a lifetime? **

**Yeah, promise of a lifetime indeed. **

**Determination?**

**You bet. **

**A smile? **

**For now and for ever. **

**Our bonds. Help me see the light. **

**Wherever I will go, I know I'll be just fine. **

**Yes. **

**I know. **

**I'm taking your memories with me. **

**That's enough to last me for eternity.**

**Another cry. I heard them perfectly. I felt their ****hot tears on my face, their hands in mine, their life sinking into me. **

**Yes. **

**I know. **

**I die. **


End file.
